Hogwarts (School Review)

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, located "somewhere" in Scotland (It's all very mysterious!  I was transported there via "magic train".  At the end of the ride, I was as disoriented as if I had been blindfolded and thrown in the trunk of a car.), is the only legitimate choice for magical schooling in the United Kingdom.  It's been a longstanding institution, dating back over a thousand years, with several notable wizards acting as teachers over it's history.  Not the least of which, Merlin himself briefly had tenure here in the school's first century, before succumbing to his morticaine habit.

Wandering the hallways was a bit confusing at first, given the ever-shifting and unreliable nature of magical stone.  Sometimes the Men's Room changes into the Women's Room without warning, or on occasion becomes a hellmouth.  One too many Butterbeers and you could end up damned for eternity instead of simply being able to relieve your bladder.

Yes, "Butterbeer"; because beer wasn't fattening enough without butter in it, and was going to waste being sold primarily to adults.  Drug abuse is common enough in the school, even amongst wizards as young as 11.  Wizards born of Muggle parents ("M_dbloods", in the parlance) in particular look for every means of escape possible, as the racism against their kind runs rampant and unchecked throughout the school.  The local proximity of Hogsmeade Village allows the students easy access to psychotropic drugs, such as beer and firewhisky.

Upon arrival, new students are sorted into "houses" by a talking hat:  Gryffindor for the good looking kids; Ravenclaw for the nerds; Slytherin for the Satanists; and Hufflepuff for the "special needs" children.  Each house is given their own specialized classes, such as Slytherin's "Magical Terrorism", "Magical Torture", and "Animal/Human Sacrifice To The Dark Lord".  Some studies have shown that there may be a direct link between classes that teach Magical Terrorism and Magical Terrorists, but the evidence so far is inconclusive.

Safety is not a strong priority at the school.  The woods are filled with giant spiders, the lake has merpeople, and the castle itself is filled with such horrors as basilisks and cerberi.  There is nowhere that one can feel at ease.  Whereas student transgressions were once simply resolved through corporal punishment, now students are often sent on menial tasks in the most dangerous areas of the grounds.

There is no separation of Church and State here, with the students allowed a clear dialectic choice between worshipping Yahweh or Satan.  More often than not, Yahweh wins out, with Christmas and Easter being the primary holidays celebrated.

Education seems shaky at best, since most of the graduating students that I talked to couldn't do much more than levitate a pen.  Educators often seem distant, moody, and unreliable, with very little concern for their students continuing education or safety.

All in all, for a school of such pedigree, I was expecting a bit more.  If I end up having magic using children, I will most certainly be sending them to The Salem Witches Institute in my dear old US of A.

FREDERICK OPINES: BAD