Thursday, November 4, 2010

Best Onscreen Uses Of Vagina Inspired Weapondry

It's been said many times before by psychiatrists and critics alike;  the gun represents the penis.  And, clearly, stabbing weapons of many types are phallic symbols.  In Carol Clover's book on gender roles in horror films, Men, Women, and Chainsaws, she makes the point that when the "final girl" of a slasher film takes the killer's machete away from him, only to use it against him, she is in essence emasculating him while becoming an embodiment of manhood.  Keeping this in mind, it's difficult to see the lightsaber battles in Star Wars as simple children's entertainment anymore.

But since the majority of weapons, by design, have to either protrude or shoot outwards, are there any that don't live under the shadow of the schlong?  Let's look at a few onscreen killing machines that aren't huge dicks.

1.  BEAR TRAPS

While not being the easiest thing to lug around, it's been put to good use by film characters as diverse as David Sumner and Leatherface.  When landmines are out of the question, but you want to hobble your characters in the worst way possible, these steel jaws of death are the way to go.  While not often fatal in and of themselves, they often don't lead to a positive outcome for those that get snagged by them.

2.  PITS

Not so much an object, as a lack thereof.  Pits have been a staple of villainy since time immemorial.  The spice is in the variety of things you could have at the bottom;  Spikes, sharks, a black hole. . .  the Sarlacc pit, perhaps?  My all time favorite has to be anything involving lava.

3.  GAPING MAWS


From Jaws to the Sandworms of Arrakis, nothing inspires mortal terror in people like the prospect of being swallowed whole.  Sure, these creatures are often cigar shaped, but it's the consumptive aspect that gives us the willies.

4.  THE NOOSE


Squeezing tightly around your neck, cutting off all airflow;  this is a death desired by no one.  Besides hanging, the rope can also be used to drag, or to stretch, with horrifying effects.

5.  VAGINA DENTATA

Nothing better approximates a vagina than a vagina.  Not too many examples of this in film, but the recent release Teeth made good use out of hungry labium.

Well, that's all that comes to mind off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are several others.  Any glaring omissions?  Anything in here that you wholeheartedly disagree with?  Please respond in the comments below.

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