Back in the day, Super Bowl trailers were like a late Christmas for movie fans. Often, it was our very first look at footage from films that we barely knew anything about. Then the internet happened.
Since the advent of web sites like Ain't It Cool News and Dark Horizons, I no longer have to watch Entertainment Tonight for my daily news fix (Thank the pantheon!), nor are Super Bowl commercials much of a surprise anymore. Since the beginning of the new millenium, it seems like studios are barely trying to wow us, as is evidenced by some of the teasers on display here. Some, however, carry on the time honored tradition, giving us just a taste of excitement.
Here's all the biggies, from Worst to Best. As teasers, that is. But I'll throw my guesses in as to the quality of the respective film, as well.
DRIVE ANGRY
MOVIE - The movie actually sounds like a blast: Nicholas Cage escapes from Hell, looking to rescue his granddaughter from a group of Satanists, with the assistance of a Saint Of Killers-style handgun and a rad car. Amber Heard shows up in Daisy Dukes.
TEASER - Now; Exactly how much of that is gleaned from the trailer? It looks like just another stupid Cage film, and the announcer, and quotes, are completely unnecessary. Do you think the target audience for this cares whether it's critically acclaimed or not?
THE EAGLE
MOVIE - Yawn.
TEASER - This film is an obvious dump, coming out at this time of year, and being the type of movie that it is. It's funny that the studios spend as much, or more, advertising their obvious failures as they do their successes.
RIO
MOVIE - Looks like it could go either way. I've seen the opening musical number, which is nice. It is from the director of the last Ice Age movie, which made me pretty damn sleepy.
TEASER - Too fast (too furious?). Comedy highlight is birds bouncing off a butt?! Meh.
LIMITLESS
MOVIE - They should've called it "Urban Legends 4". You're using 100% of your brain, dumbass. That aside, this Lawnmower Man-lite premise sounds kind of fun.
TEASER - It sells it on premise alone, but not in a way that sticks in your head.
PRIEST
MOVIE - The Dragnet theme song.
TEASER - A little action, some monsters, a post-apocalyptic wasteland. . . but it's all very familiar, and seems small in scope.
JUST GO WITH IT
MOVIE - "Ow! My balls!"
TEASER - Well; they do know their audience. I don't know a damn thing about this movie from the trailer, except that there's a pair of gigantic, jiggly breasts at some point.
RANGO
MOVIE - Um. . . Dunno. Can't really get much of a sense of the thing. Verbinski's directed good shit (Pirates Of The Caribbean) and bad shit (The Mexican) in the past.
TEASER - Probably a little TOO much of a teaser. You gotta sell us on this with more than "Johnny Depp voices a lizard. In a western (?!). In a Hunter S. Thompson shirt". It annoys more than intrigues.
COWBOYS AND ALIENS
MOVIE - This one could be fun. Love the premise, love the cast. . . Jon Favreau does good work when inspired (Don't blame him for Iron Man 2; It got rushed into production), and this sounds like a passion project for him. Could suck, but I'm hoping it's fun.
TEASER - It's tough for non-nerds to get past the title. They did a good job of laying out the basics here. Serious. Badass. Neckedness.
THOR
MOVIE - Looks a little too small-scale for the story of an Asgardian warrior. He basically just beats up a robot, thereby saving a small town in New Mexico? Prove me wrong Kenneth Branagh.
TEASER - Ladies: A shirtless Australian beefcake. Fellas: Shit blowing up, and people being kicked.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES
MOVIE - I have faith in every element of this film, except the director. Rob Marshall potentially sinking this franchise aside, it looks to be just as much fun as the previous installments, minus the excessive exposition of At World's End.
TEASER - Not much we haven't seen in previous trailers. There's no "OOH!" shot, like skeleton pirates walking underwater. Again; fuck Rob Marshall.
FAST FIVE
MOVIE - Probably dumb/fun, like the rest of the series. Didn't see the last one, but Tokyo Drift was a marked improvement in the level of car stunts, and this looks like it ups the ante.
TEASER - Solid. Good use of adrenaline-pumping music and visuals, and the promise that "Yes, this is a Versus film: Diesel v Rock".
BATTLE: LOS ANGELES
MOVIE - The director, Jon Liebesman, has a pretty piss-poor resume so far, so I'm not holding out much hope for this one. Looks like 2012: Plotless and full of destruction.
TEASER - But the destruction looks so good. They've been doing a good job of pulling the wool over people's eyes with this one.
CAPTAIN AMERICA
MOVIE - Looks kinda fun. Too early to tell, for sure. It's cool to see Chris Evans, who's been doing some great character work, finally blow up like this.
TEASER - Plays like a sped-up and cut down version of a theatrical trailer (Which, I'm guessing, it is). I'd rank this lower if the footage didn't look so great. And PLEASE; Lose the "The First Avenger" tagline, ok?
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Transformers 'Dark of The Moon' Super Bowl Trailer (720p) from Michael Bay Dot Com on Vimeo.
MOVIE - I absolutely HATED the first film; but I kinda liked the second one. It's so ridiculously over-the-top, it's essentially the Mecha version of Bad Boys II. It's Michael Bay. Will it be stupid? Yes. Will the fx and photography look good? Indeed.
TEASER - Perfect, very classic style Super Bowl spot. This is how you do "epic", people!
SUPER 8
MOVIE - I'm sure it'll be like JJ Abram's other directorial efforts; Entertaining and forgettable. His predilection to the saccharine will not be helped by the presence of children.
TEASER - Like Transformers, this is a Steven Spielberg production, and it shows. Everything in the trailer has a "Amblin in the 80's" vibe. Good use of mystery and atmosphere to sell the flick and start the hype machine.
Well, unless I missed any, that's about that. Let me know which ones you liked!
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